Road to Radical Visibility Show/Podcast
Road to Radical Visibility Show/Podcast
Happy Mother's Day - Not So Much. Real Pain & How I'm Healing
Warning: This is not a fluff piece about motherhood and Mother's Day.
It is real and raw and may trigger emotions you were not expecting.
This episode may be my most vulnerable yet. It is a reflection of my journey of motherhood and honors the feelings of women all over the globe about mother's day that still aren't talked about. I share my most vulnerable moments and challenges as a mother, highlighting the complexities and societal expectations surrounding motherhood that cause so much pain and suffering.
From the origins of honoring women's peace efforts to the modern commercial flurry, I share the raw and very challenges I've grappled with—single parenthood, strained family dynamics, mental illness and the audacity to create nurturing environments against the tide of expectation.
Turning the focus inward, we celebrate the power of self-compassion and the embrace of motherhood in all its diversity, including within the LGBTQ+ community. I delve into the liberating process of letting our children make their own choices and finding peace in the knowledge that love and respect transcend conformity.
We'll touch on the magic of deep inner work, the living authentically, and the invitation to join a transformative journey toward self-discovery and radical visibility. This episode is not only a reflection of my path but also a beacon for anyone seeking to emerge from the shadows, release their shame and guilt and experience their lives exactly the way they want with or without children.
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Cheers to living your life, exactly the way you want! Feeling good, like you should.
Did you have an Ah-Ha moment from this episode? I would love to hear about it! No seriously, I want to hear from you! Send me a DM or email at rachel@rachelfreemonsowers.com.
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#LGBTQ+ #LGBTQ+business #visibilitymatters #timetoshine #RoadtoRadicalVisibility #RachelFreemonSowers
A lot of people would look back at my experience in motherhood and say that I was extremely selfish, and I would say I was in extreme survival all of the fucking time. We need to be able to acknowledge the depths and the darkest parts of ourselves that we've been afraid to show, parts of ourselves that we've been afraid to show as women, as people, because of what other people may think or because of how they may feel about it. Hello, my beautiful friends, and welcome to another episode of Road to Radical Visibility. My name is Rachel Freeman-Sowers, the creator and your host for this podcast, and today's episode is going to do one of three things. It's either going to go viral because of the truth that's going to be spoken my truth that's going to be spoken in it. It's either going to sit dead quiet because people are afraid to listen to it, or it's going to garner a whole bunch of sympathy and or hate. I think like that's what's going to happen today's episode. I have to tell you it is probably the most vulnerable episode that I've ever recorded and, yes, it has to do with Mother's Day. But before we dive into that, as many of you know, since I've turned 50, I've ever recorded and yes, it has to do with Mother's Day.
Speaker 1:But before we dive into that, as many of you know, since I've turned 50, I've been kind of on this health journey to really help me address my adult ADHD. Now, in my business, it looks like distractibility, it looks like I can't focus, it looks like I don't follow through with things. It also is just where sometimes I feel just amped up, and I've been investigating products that will help me be more focused, create sharper brain functioning, be more productive, but not in a manic way, and also to help me just focus and finish the things that I want so I can experience life exactly the way that I want to. So I found this product called Magic Mind, and actually it's this little single shot that's created with matcha. It has nootropics, ashwagandha, turmeric and lion's mane, cordyceps and other aptogens that are proven to improve your focus, memory productivity and reduce inflammation in the body, and it just makes it so easy to incorporate. Every single morning, when I get up, I go to the fridge, I shake up my little green bottle and I drink it down, and then I'm done. It has really helped me improve my focus and the most important thing is reduce the inflammation in my body. So, along with eating more clean, along with attempting to get more rest as much as I can as a menopausal woman, this is something I've added to my routine and it's absolutely helped me. It helps me experience my life and my business exactly the way that I want to, and it's nice to have products that are made with whole foods and functional things that actually help your body.
Speaker 1:So if you're someone who's been struggling with having that afternoon slump, you don't or struggle to stay focused, you get easily distracted and you have this energy that's like spiking all the time and you're like I'm ready to be done with that. I'd love to have you try Magic Mind. I have a link that if you decide to use the link, you can enjoy it at 20% off of your order by using Road Radical 20 at wwwmagicmindcom Road Radical. So let me spell that out for you. You can enter in at your checkout road radical. It's R O, a, d R, a, d, I, c, a, l, two zero. So road radical 20 at checkout and you can find the magic mind product at wwwmagicmindcom. Forward slash road radical.
Speaker 1:All right, my friends, let's dive into this episode. I hope you're ready, all right. So today is an episode that is dedicated to Mother's Day and it almost makes me emotional, as I'm already starting to record this and as I laid in bed this morning I started at like four o'clock. It's like, okay, what do I want to say in this episode? How do I want to be in this episode, how do I want to experience this episode, and the things and the words that came to mind are real, raw and honestly radical.
Speaker 1:I Googled Mother's Day why people celebrate Mother's Day, five myths of Mother's Day and I came across a lot of articles that talk about some of the reality that we haven't acknowledged in the celebration of Mother's Day. Celebration of Mother's Day and interestingly enough, it seems to be originated by a woman who initially wanted to highlight the way that women are promoting peace in the world at a time of war and all these other things, and I find this interesting. But I also find it perplexing because in the article they talked about how it's turned commercialized, and that wasn't ever the intention of the founder or initiator of this holiday of Mother's Day. Mother's Day, let me be absolutely clear, has never been something that was celebratory for me. Right now, as I'm talking to you, when I think of Mother's Day.
Speaker 1:I got married the second time on May 10th, which was back then Mother's Day. That didn't turn out well for me. As most of you know, I've never have thought of myself as a typical mom, as a mom that fit what the mom was supposed to fit, as I was never really all that nurturing as a mom. And, in complete honesty, you know I fucked up some shit. You know I fucked up some shit. And even today, as I journey through the grief of some of that and I don't, I don't, I'm not doing today's episode so that people can say like, oh my gosh, you were such a great mom Actually I wasn't, I mean maybe like 30% of the time but the decisions I made impacted my child. And today, you know, my child and I have gone through lots of trauma together, lots and lots of trauma, and as a single mom, the majority of my life. Even if I was with somebody, I was still a single mom and it's like you're responsible for all of it.
Speaker 1:And I remember from when she was young she struggled and I think a lot of her anxiety and a lot of the things came from when she was in my belly. I was under so much stress. I was under so much survival. I remember every single day praying to God that she would be a girl, because that's what I wanted was a girl, but also because I was just like please, please, make her a girl, please make her a girl. And of course, we all know intense stress. Like I find out I'm pregnant.
Speaker 1:The man that I got pregnant with, who I was never married to, he steals my car. He ends up in Seattle. He's calling me for money. I mean it was a shit show. I mean, oh my God, when I think back of all the times, I remember sitting on the phone and he's like I need you to send me some money. I was like you fucking stole my car. And then three months later, I'm living in Chester with my parents back and I get a call from Montana Come to find out the person that I met at church had an alias. This is funny. I mean his alias was Jose Corona. Back then I didn't even know that was a beer. I mean, like what is going on? And get a call. They arrested him. He's been part of the Mexican drug cartel, it's been all this stuff. And I'm like holy shit, right.
Speaker 1:So during all that time all the stress hormones, I think, really did create a higher level anxiety for my kid. So if you start from the very beginning, one would then think that scientifically, you know, I've been the cause of her difficulties in life, which I will take responsibility for. She's 30 now. I haven't talked to her for I don't know, maybe a year now. There were things throughout her childhood and things I found out later on that I never would have wished on anybody, any human, that I didn't know was happening because I was in survival the majority of the time.
Speaker 1:So when someone tells me like, oh my God, happy Mother's Day, here's a card, I don't feel happy. I don't feel like, oh my God, I'm so grateful for this experience. I love my kid but I've never been really nurturing because I've taken care of myself the majority of my life, been really nurturing because I've taken care of myself the majority of my life. I've taken care of myself the majority of my life and I'm wondering, if you are someone who cares for someone else or who has a child, but you have also been taking care of yourself the majority of your life, what that does to us when we go and raise children to us when we go and raise children. I'm also not looking for people to tell me what I need to do now or how to fix it. I've been a therapist for 25 years. I've done everything in my power to restore the relationship with my child.
Speaker 1:The relationship with my child is not like the relationship with your child and I think sometimes we, in our social constructs and religious constructs, we say, well, this is what you should do, this is how you should do it. But none of our experiences are the same and I think some of these things are highlighted in the fact of Mother's Day and how we're supposed to celebrate it and what it's supposed to be about, because Mother's Day celebration isn't really about me. It's about what it's been made to be, and I was watching this SNL episode. It's pretty funny. It has like 11.4 million views and I thought, oh, I'll watch it. And it's showing how this daughter is telling to her mom you were perfect all the time you did this thing, and how the reality of what the mom was and I know that we do that a lot and there's been more talk about how we, as women, experience motherhood in multiple different ways and we get caught up in what it's supposed to look like, and I wonder how many women out there I don't know I may get some heat for this, which is nothing new how many women out there are like, well, if I had a Mother's Day, it wouldn't look anything like it looks.
Speaker 1:You can love your children and still seriously be like you know, I'm just accepting these things, I'm just doing this thing because this is what it's supposed to look like, I don't know. So, as I've journeyed through motherhood, my experiences have not been one where I wanted to stay home with my kid, right. A lot of people would look back at my experience in motherhood and say that I was extremely selfish and I would say I was in extreme survival all of the fucking time, all the time. And when you're in that way of being, when you're trying to figure out how you're going to pay your rent, when you're trying to figure out how to help your kid at school, when everybody thinks she's bad, when other people are telling you when you take her to daycare to a Christian daycare, well, you just need to spank her more, and I didn't want to do that there are decisions I'm really proud of when I was raising my daughter, and where my stubbornness and where my determination of not conforming to everything was helpful, and it really has helped her to decide her own mind, helped her to decide her own mind, which is a double-edged sword, as many of you parents know and for her to be like no, I'm doing this my way. Nope, this is the way I'm going and create inventive ways that help her, Because she is the one that knows herself the best, because she is the one that knows herself the best.
Speaker 1:And as I travel through every year on Mother's Day, the guilt doesn't necessarily go away I process through the next level of it. That shame and guilt that I processed through was not even mine in the first place. It was given to me by religion. It was given to me by social constructs. It was given to me by telling me the way I needed to act. And I've chosen to be a mother only once. And I say that because I've been pregnant two other times and I've had two abortions, but I knew from having one child I couldn't have another one, because I was still on my own. And what was I going to do then? And again, I'm not looking for people to help me feel better about my choices. I made the choices I made. I did whatever I thought I should do at the time Good, bad, right or wrong, it doesn't matter. It's the only thing I could have done at that time. I've said I was sorry, I've talked to my daughter multiple times about my responsibility and things, things and it's also been interesting to watch how my journey in motherhood and my mom's journey in motherhood Because what I know from my mom telling me and the things I experienced was, you know, my dad had a mental breakdown when I was very young, had a mental breakdown when I was very young, and my mom has always been the thing that has held our family together.
Speaker 1:I remember when I was in the third, fourth, fifth, sixth grade and my dad had lost his job, my mom was the one that kept our family afloat. She was the one that went to the food line at the Civic Center and got food for us to eat. She's the one that made sure that we had the clothes we needed. She's the one that worked her ass off. She's the one that you know. She's the one that held it together. She's the one that, as many of you know the story helped me start my own business so I could raise money to buy my own school clothes. She's the one who showed me what it means to make it. Showed me what it means to make it. She was also the one that I find this so funny not really funny. She's also the one that everyone looked to her, you know, inside her family and outside her family to solve the issues and I think so many times.
Speaker 1:You know I want to acknowledge that I think mothers may be acknowledged more now than ever and at the same time, there are moments when we don't ask what they need. And if you were to need help, if you do have postpartum depression, which is more talked about now but not talked about enough, just FYI, and it's not talked about enough, what actually happens in postpartum depression, like the reality, the suicidal ideations that I don't know if I like my kid, the fucking ideations that I don't know if I like my kid, the fucking, oh my God, what the fuck have I done? How can I do this? I can't do this. What's going to of pressure?
Speaker 1:You know I watch other couples now, like my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law. You know my brother-in-law is extremely involved in the family and it's amazing to watch this family unit. I've never had a family unit like this and it's amazing to watch this family unit. I've never had a family unit like this. It's amazing to watch them and how they both contribute right.
Speaker 1:But that's not something that I experienced, it's not something my daughter experienced. And then you throw on a whole level and I know I'm kind of all over the place, but my mind is just free flowing right now. You throw on this whole nother level of coming out at the age of 24, deciding that you don't want to be with men, knowing that that's not your journey, and you tell people and then they're like what's going to happen to your kid? That's exactly those are the words that are like what's going to happen to your kid or like what's going to happen to your kid. Well, I don't know. And then you have the complexities of a same-sex relationship, and there are different complexities when you have two moms in relationships. I have never experienced my kid having two parents.
Speaker 1:Even when I was together with people, I was the parent, I was the only parent, and so all of these thoughts are to say that I don't really know what Mother's Day is for and it's not something that, honestly, like I, I celebrate because in my experiences, like I was a mother when my kid was younger, I was a mom. I wasn't what she actually needed the time because of, like I've said, because of survival and trauma and stress and the ups and downs that I was going through and myself at the same time, and I think that these things need to be talked about more. And I think that these things need to be talked about more. We need to be able to acknowledge the depths and the darkest parts of ourselves that we've been afraid to show as women, as people, because of what other people may think or because of how they may feel about it. I know I am not the only one that doesn't really care to celebrate Mother's Day. You may be shocked If you've been hanging out here for very long, probably not shocked.
Speaker 1:I celebrate my mom. I'm grateful for her. We had ups and downs in our relationship. It's come to a point now me the age of 52, her the age of 76, where, right now, for the first time in my life, over the last two years, so at the age of 50, I've actually had the relationship that I've always wanted with my mom, and I think it comes from two of us maturing and seeing some fucking life and really deciding what's most important to us and how do I honor that? How do I want to experience my relationship with my mom? I'm wondering, if you ask yourself today, how do I want to experience my relationship with my mom, with my daughter, with my son, with my you know, non-gender child? How do I want to experience that relationship with them? How do I want to experience that relationship with them but also realize that now that my daughter is 30, 31, it's up to her too, it's up to both of us, and I can move in and I can do so much, but also it's my job.
Speaker 1:To let her decide her own way and to watch her struggle is a heartbreak. Oh my gosh, it's heartbreaking. And yet you know good, bad, right or wrong. You know good, bad, right or wrong. She gets to determine what her life looks like. It's not for me to determine. So what now? If you've been struggling, if motherhood is not something that's been this, this is going to sound so bad. That's been this. Oh my God. I love my child so much. I would do anything for them. I would just blah, blah, blah. I would like they're the love of my life. I haven't felt those things, I haven't felt them.
Speaker 1:And if you haven't felt that either or maybe you felt it intermittently, or maybe you're just like, well, I just kind of did what I was supposed to do I want you to know that you did what you did at the time that you did it because that was the only thing you need to do. And if right now your mind is saying, well, I should have done this, well, I could have done that, you couldn't have done it. Or you would have done it, you couldn't have done it. I mean really hear me here I couldn't have done anything different than what I did. And when I think about what could have happened, it's useless, because that then goes down the rabbit hole of shame and guilt and embarrassment and judgment and all the fucking shit that I don't need in my life. That's not going to help me experience life the way that I want to. And so you did what you could do at the time that you did it, that's all. So that's number one. Number two At some point in time you will have to embody a way of experiencing this the way that you want to.
Speaker 1:I don't try and contact my kid. She'll reach out to me when she wants to. She'll reach out to me when she needs something. She's had some pretty severe mental illness that I've helped her with several, several times. But I have to release that. I need to let her live her life the way that she wants to. And this sounds really harsh to some people because some people are like well, you should try and go this and you should. She's made it very clear to me that she is going to go live her life and I'm going to respect that. Energetically I can send her love. Energetically I can send her safety, but it's not my life, it's her life. But it's not my life, it's her life. And how she wants to live it is honestly none of my concern. It doesn't mean I don't care about her. Two different things, right. So at some point you're going to have to embody the way you want to interact physically, emotionally, energetically, all of those and you're going to have to say that this is my choice.
Speaker 1:If you feel shame and guilt and self-judgment about that, realize and find out where that's coming from, because it probably wasn't yours in the first place. You're probably told you should do it this way. This is how it should turn out. This is what you should look like as a mom. This is how you should be as a mom. You should want to cuddle your kids all the time, like no, even now today, like babies and little kids really aren't my thing. They're my wife's thing. She loves it, but they're not my thing. Right, and number three is probably the most important. And number three is probably the most important.
Speaker 1:It's about forgiveness, but not in the traditional sense. Once you realize that you did what you did and it was the only thing you could do, then there's a door that opens up to. I can have this self-compassion for myself, I can realize what I was going through as a reason for the things I did, and I can now say I can give myself the compassion that I've really just yearned everyone else to give me. And this is the part where the true self comes and begins to nurture. It begins to nurture these parts of you that feel like it wasn't good enough or less than or should have, would have, could have. Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada. This is where the true self steps in, and it's like we don't have to suffer in this guilt and shame anymore. We don't have to suffer in the comparison of what we could have done or what we should have done, or comparing us to even other people that we see now. This is the forgiveness, with self-compassion and then being able to free yourself because of that. Again, we're human. We're going to feel sadness, I'm going to feel sadness and that's okay. It doesn't change what I know to be true for me.
Speaker 1:So where are some areas that you can practice more self-compassion in this ideal of motherhood? You know motherhood and being a mom there's so many layers to this. You know I have clients LGBTQ plus clients and I see lesbians who are in committed relationships being dual mothers. I see the struggle when one of the women has the child. The other woman can't have the child. I see families who flourish when the partners honor each other, where there's a transgender mom who is just as much of a mom as a biological mom. I get to win to so many beautiful ways that motherhood is done through adoption, foster parenting, chosen family.
Speaker 1:There's more than one way here, and I think that we need to get be aware of that, because when we think of something, we think of it one way, but if you're to open your mind just a little bit more, maybe playing with that possibility that you can have this self-compassion as well as being able to see what actually took place, right. So I don't know what's going to happen with this video, with this podcast, but if it has touched you in some way, I would love to hear from you, because I think that we need to open up. I don't think I know we need to open up these conversations. We need to start saying it was okay, it was okay for me, this is what happened, and we get to experience more of our lives. When we move through these experiences, when we release the emotions through our body, when we allow ourselves that self-compassion and reflection of you honestly did the best that you could at the time. That was the best that you could. So let me know Before we go.
Speaker 1:I did draw a card for today's episode and the card is don't run from the darkness. Embrace your shadow side. What aspects of yourself have you been afraid to look at or address? You know this goes on beyond Mother's Day, but look at the things you've been afraid to address. Look at the things that you feel the most guilt, negativity, bad over, and then allow yourself to work through those things. If you need help, there's lots of other podcast episodes on here that you can look at, and just don't run away from the things that you've been afraid to look at, because they'll keep coming back and coming back, and coming back.
Speaker 1:The deep work is where things get healed, and also in this self-nurturing, also in your true self, guiding these parts of you that have been struggling for so long. The work is magic. It takes practice, and you then free yourself from guilt and shame, embarrassment, judgment. It can actually happen. If you don't know how to make that happen, feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to talk to you about it, and I'm going to end this episode like I end every single episode. Please make sure to stay true to yourself, be kind to others and always, always, always, honor the wise one within you. I'll see you all on the next road to radical visibility. I'll see you on the flip side. Bye. I'm here and I know you are too to leave a positive impact in the world. So please share this episode with your friends, family or that random stranger, because you never know who you'll inspire by just being you. I'll see you on the next road to radical visibility. Bye.